wtfzeus:

Cinesias: O Zeus, what throbbing suffering!

Zeus [in Olympus, to Athena]: What’s that dude whining about?

Athena: Oh, his wife Myrrhine and the rest of the Greek women are withholding sex because they want to stop the Peloponnesian War. It’s a good tactic. The men have gotten pretty sexually frustrated.

Zeus: They’re what?

Athena: Yeah, I don’t know why he expected you to understand his problem either.

ATHENS GETS HORNY

oedipusmotherfuckingtyrannus:

WANT A SERIOUSLY FUCKING INTELLECTUAL GREEK PLAY ABOUT PEACE? SURE. HAVE SOME FUCKING LYSISTRATA, ONE OF THAT FUCKER ARISTOPHANES’ GEMS.

LYSISTRATA IS A BADASS ATHENIAN LADY WHO IS REALLY FUCKING BORED WITH THIS NASTY-ASS WAR ATHENS ARE HAVING WITH SPARTA. SO SHE DOES THE MOST LOGICAL THING - PERSUADES ALL HER FRIENDS NOT TO FUCK THEIR HUSBANDS. NO SEX. NONE AT ALL (NOT EVEN THE “LIONESS ON THE CHEESE-GRATER” POSITION. ARISTOPHANES, WHAT THE FUCK?). SHE TELLS HER STEREO-TYPICALLY SPARTAN FRIEND LAMPITO TO FUCK OFF BACK TO SPARTA AND MAKE THE SAME DEAL THERE. 

SOON THE OLD GRANDMAS HAVE CAPTURED THE FUCKING ACROPOLIS, WHERE ALL THE MONEY IS, SO THE MEN CAN’T FUND THE WAR ANYMORE. A BUNCH OF OLD MEN  ARRIVE TO BURN THE FUCKING GATES DOWN, BUT THE OLD WOMEN HAVE BIG POTS OF WATER. INNUENDO ENSUES.

A MAGISTRATE ARRIVES AND BITCHES ABOUT WOMEN, BUT HE AND HIS GANG ARE BEATEN OFF BY MORE OF LYSISTRATA’S HOME-GIRLS CARRYING RANDOM HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS. LYSISTRATA HAS A MASSIVE RANT TO THE MAGISTRATE ABOUT HOW WOMEN ARE JUST AS GOOD AS MEN AT GETTING SHIT DONE. THE GIRLS THEN DRESS THE MAGISTRATE UP AS A READY-TO-BAKE CORPSE AND LET HIM FUCK OFF.

THE WOMEN ARE ALL SUPER HORNY AND BEGGING FOR SEX. IT’S BEEN LIKE A WHOLE MORNING OR SOMETHING, CALM THE FUCK DOWN LADIES. LYSISTRATA TELLS THEM THAT AND THEY SHUT UP.

SOME MAN, KINESIAS (HIS NAME PRETTY MUCH MEANS “FUCKER”) , SHOWS UP, WANTING SEX WITH HIS WIFE, MYRRINHE (“PUSSY”). SHE AGREES BUT JUST TEASES THE FUCKER BY INSISTING SHE NEEDS A LONG LIST OF SOFT FURNISHINGS FIRST. THEN SHE FUCKS OFF.

FINALLY SOME HERALD FUCKER FROM SPARTA SHOWS UP WITH A MASSIVE BONER. HE WANTS PEACE (AND SEX). HE MEETS THE MAGISTRATE, WHO HAS AN EQUALLY LARGE BONER. 

THEY MAKE PEACE BECAUSE THE MEN ARE SO BUSY LOOKING AT SOME RANDOM SEXY LADY, “RECONCILIATION” WHO HAS JUST APPEARED. LYSISTRATA BITCHES ABOUT THE PATRIARCHY. FINALLY EVERYONE GETS FUCKING HAMMERED AND PRESUMABLY THEY HAVE A MASSIVE GANG-BANG.

*NODS INTELLECTUALLY*